Childfree or childless?

For women in today's society the words woman and mother seem to be used by some as interchangeable. If for some reasons you are a woman but not a mother as you get older you begin to feel marginalised. As a little anecdote I remember picking up a free magazine in a large supermarket last year titled 'the women's issue'. Expecting it to be full of stories and information for women I took it home. Upon opening it I realised it was all about mothers and children. It was frustrating (particularly at the time for me as someone going through fertility treatment) that the words woman and mother were treated as identical.

The expectation and stereotype, as peddled by fairy tales, Hollywood and the like, is that girl will meet boy, girl will fall in love boy, they will marry and then along will come a number of chubby cheeked children. Life will be complete as they sit on the veranda 60 years later reminiscing about their life. For many in society this story is simply something that will not happen nor do they want it to happen. As we move closer to finally allowing equal marriage the story will need to change to reflect this, no longer should Disney films simply be about boy loves girl, who marry, a family and live happily ever-after. The story should also reflect the number of marriages and relationships in which children do not feature.

For some this can be through choice and there are a large number of websites dedicated to singles, couples etc who choose not to have children. Tips on how to deal with the patronising 'advice' or comments that get shared with couples if they have been together a long time without children. In some communities and on some websites it is nicknamed 'childfree bingo' (a piece in the Daily Mail illustrates this quite well) in which the aim is to note all of the various arguments put forward by relatives and friends. Some range from flattery 'you would both be great parents, think about how much you have to give' to the downright rude 'children will give your life purpose'. Why does my life lack purpose? What does the notion of children give you purpose mean? I also get frustrated by the arguments concerning money. I have been told countless times that if I don't have children who will pay my pension? I pay my pension now, I watch it leave my paypacket every month. If the government choose to spend it now and not put it away for me I can't stop that! Whether I have children or not I will still be entitled to a pension. I also get told that those with children are funding medical care, again I pay my National Insurance. I also have paid a considerable amount for my medical treatment in trying to have children. I have had to jump through enormous hoops to attain treatment for infertility. This is the only medical condition I have had where I have found my age, weight and relationship status have ever played a role in my treatment. I am patronised in my healthcare options, I don't need it in my social life as well.

For those who can not have children and yet desperately want them, these types of comment are perhaps even more hurtful. When I wasn't sure if I wanted children I found them annoying and patronising. Now I am struggling to have children I find them hurtful and they make me angry. I want to shout at relatives, themselves with a number of children that they are ignoring as they make these comments, that I can do nothing about this, I have a medical problem. Sometimes I wonder about telling them about the painful, embarrassing and at times horrible treatment I have had in trying to have children but I imagine they would find this uncomfortable. Those who do know that we have been trying for a while are also prone to the ignorant comments, 'advice' such as relax, take a holiday, try this odd and expensive potion. I (more often than not my husband) restrain myself from shouting at them that this is a medical condition that will not be cured by 'chilling out' I need medical treatment.

I can not imagine ever walking up to a couple and asking them about their sex life and when they last had unprotected sex and if not why not. So why does it seem acceptable to ask those of us without children, for whatever reason, why we do not have them? I have found over the last couple of years that I have had to become more defensive about my lack of children status. The words childfree and childless are such loaded terms, some people prefer childfree to suggest choice and power in this decision whereas others choose childless. I think this should be up to the individuals to decide which if at all they wish to use.

Feminism and the surname

As a married feminist I often get asked why I changed my name. I also get asked whether feminists should or normally get married. The first thing I normally point out is that I am one feminist and can not speak for all feminists, as they are a hugely diverse group (we are not a hive mind!). The second thing is that for me marriage was about the relationship, and the legalities that go with marriage. To consider the issue of the surname, there were a number of options:

• Keep my surname, that no one could ever seem to spell correctly
• Keep my surname and my husband to share it, he was prepared to take my surname (still then have the spelling and pronunciation issue)
• Merge the surnames, now with our combination that would sound so bizarre and laughable!
• Take my husband's surname: easier to say and spell (perhaps what is 'expected')
• Create a whole new name

The last one is perhaps the most interesting and not something I had thought about at the time. If I were to marry again I think this is perhaps the most equal and fair route to take. Also the most interesting, and creates a truly blank canvas for your 'new' family. However, back to the other options, for me it did not matter whether I took my husband's name or kept my own as neither had come from women or from a free choice. My own surname came from my father, and from his father and his father and so on. For my husband it was the same. To marry again I think the equal (although not easiest - with regards to deed poll etc) option would be a new surname.