Just to make things clear at the start this is not a breast is best or breastfeeding vs formula feeding post. I have no desire or interest to belittle or judge how anyone feeds their child. Whatever works for you and your child is best! This post is in response to this article about a mother who was labelled a 'tramp' by someone who saw fit to take her picture and post it on one of those *charming* Spotted pages.
My first thought was that I couldn't believe that someone took a picture and then went to the effort of posting it on one of those judgemental pages. To take a picture of someone breastfeeding feels like a violation of both their right to privacy and their right to breastfeed. But, it got me thinking about my experiences out and about breastfeeding. My daughter is only three months but we've made it out to groups and to meet up with other mothers and babies. This has led to many public feeds.
By public feeds I don't mean hanging a sign over my head! But, simply feeding my daughter outside of the home. I'd like to think I'm pretty discreet, one top goes slightly up and the vest goes slightly down. All you can see, if you really tried to look, is my daughter's head against my chest. However, I have still had stares, glares, tuts and outright expressions of disgust! So far, no-one has thankfully said anything but it doesn't stop you feeling self-conscious.
I think the worst experience was yesterday, out on a family outing to a large park we were making the most of the blue skies! My daughter needed a feed so we settled down in the shade and my husband put the buggy to one side to shield me from the path. He then sat on the other side, so there was really very little visible. There was a young woman/teenager who as she wandered past and realised what was happening turned (yes turned!) to stare and as she did her face gained an expression of absolute disgust. Just to reiterate all that was visible was the back of my daughter's head, but you could work out that she was feeding and not simply being cuddled. I think this experience saddened me the most, that this young woman looked so disgusted by what is simply feeding a child. Having read some of the brilliant posts and blogs about the 'no more page 3' campaign and the impact of these images on young people it made me wonder if there are whole sections of the younger generation that think breasts are simply for male enjoyment and sexualisation. And as a result are horrified at breasts being used for anything else.
I've also had the tuts as I mentioned earlier and the furtive stares. Out one afternoon with a group of friends who all have children around the same age, I needed to feed my daughter. Again, really discreet but I kept catching this man looking over and watching! It became pretty obvious in the end and made me feel really awkward. I'm sure there are plenty of people that will think I am imagining this, fair enough! But, you know when you are being watched! I have never had a problem with shop or cafe owners when breastfeeding, in fact many have been hugely helpful. Sadly it has always been other members of the public who have had a problem. I would really like to see a much better culture for breastfeeding women, where it is acknowledged and accepted that it is simply a means of feeding a baby.
Monday 10 March 2014
Monday 24 February 2014
Part-time mum, full-time guilt trip?
I tweeted about this at the weekend and thought I should perhaps put down a few thoughts on the subject. Working mothers...everyone seems to have an opinion about what they should and shouldn't do.
But, everyone seems to have an opinion. If you are a mother then it seems that whatever you choose to do, it is wrong. For some reason, in my experience, fathers don't seem to get the same treatment. Although men do speak about being pitied or looked down on for choosing to say at home with their child, so it seems not even the fathers are safe.
The point of this post is my annoyance at the title 'full-time mum' that is often used in interviews or news pieces. The example I tweeted at the weekend came from the Guardian. They interviewed one mother who had the accolade 'full-time mum' in her bio, whereas the other mothers had job titles or what they had done before having children. I feel that this implies that women who choose/need to work are not seen as full-time mums. Anyone who has children, whether male or female, is a full-time parent. You don't stop being a parent when you close the door, whether it is to pop to the shops or do an eight hour shift. A man is not a part-time dad if he is working to support his family.
There is no shame in staying home to look after children, it is an extremely important role and is a huge amount of work. But, to use the title full-time mum only when referring to women who stay at home does a disservice to parents who have to go to work. It only serves to widen the divide and build on the resentment. This is perhaps more so when men and women have to return to work following the birth of a child, and would perhaps rather stay at home. To use the term full-time parent for someone who gets to do this implies that they are not a full-time parent and perhaps increases their sense of guilt or dislike at having to return to work. So, perhaps it is better to drop this term unless we are going to apply it fairly to all parents.
- work and some quarters will accuse you of prioritising your career
- work and some quarters will accuse you of neglecting your child
- work and some quarters will accuse you of only having a child as an accessory
- don't work and some quarters will accuse you of sponging off of the state/your partner/husband (delete as applicable)
- don't work and some quarters will accuse you of setting a bad example to your child(ren)
But, everyone seems to have an opinion. If you are a mother then it seems that whatever you choose to do, it is wrong. For some reason, in my experience, fathers don't seem to get the same treatment. Although men do speak about being pitied or looked down on for choosing to say at home with their child, so it seems not even the fathers are safe.
The point of this post is my annoyance at the title 'full-time mum' that is often used in interviews or news pieces. The example I tweeted at the weekend came from the Guardian. They interviewed one mother who had the accolade 'full-time mum' in her bio, whereas the other mothers had job titles or what they had done before having children. I feel that this implies that women who choose/need to work are not seen as full-time mums. Anyone who has children, whether male or female, is a full-time parent. You don't stop being a parent when you close the door, whether it is to pop to the shops or do an eight hour shift. A man is not a part-time dad if he is working to support his family.
There is no shame in staying home to look after children, it is an extremely important role and is a huge amount of work. But, to use the title full-time mum only when referring to women who stay at home does a disservice to parents who have to go to work. It only serves to widen the divide and build on the resentment. This is perhaps more so when men and women have to return to work following the birth of a child, and would perhaps rather stay at home. To use the term full-time parent for someone who gets to do this implies that they are not a full-time parent and perhaps increases their sense of guilt or dislike at having to return to work. So, perhaps it is better to drop this term unless we are going to apply it fairly to all parents.
Tuesday 28 January 2014
Hello world
This isn't really a blog post that will interest many, but back at the end of last year my daughter was born. I can't believe I haven't posted since September! This is more for her benefit in years to come; some of my earlier blog posts discuss childlessness and the way people treat you. I genuinely thought that I would not be able to have children, largely scared by certain quarters of the medical profession, and helped hugely by other areas.
I've talked at length, both on here and on Twitter, about the way people, in particular women, without children are treated. I'm sad to say that this difference has become all the more noticeable now she has been born. My mum made me feel like I had joined some sort of secret society, although she does come out with some odd comments anyway. I notice the way that both her and her sister speak about my child-free aunt, there is such pity in their tones and a sense of looking down. Both women are kind and normally thoughtful, but there is something about discussions involving children that can seem to turn rational thoughtful women in to patronising creatures. I've had comments about how I must understand pain, love and fear now that I have a daughter. Having experience some extremely frightening and low moments in my life I find that distasteful, of course I love my daughter, of course I fear bad things could happen in the world but I was capable of feeling and empathising before she was born.
There is much support within elements of the child-free community and anyone who has read this blog or others that are similar will be aware of child-free bingo. (Essentially people making inane comments relating to your child-free state and the likelihood of you having children). My husband joked that now I was a mother I would end up making such comments, I really can't see that happening! Having experienced the frustration I wouldn't pay it forward. Some such gems that I have experienced, in no particular order:
Some of those comments have come at really inappropriate times, for example the first comment came very publicly from one of my husband's relatives at a family party, not long after I had had a miscarriage. Thankfully I was actually already pregnant again, I think if I had not have been that that would have crushed my very publicly. I don't tend to walk up to people and ask them 'so how often are you having unprotected sex', because it would be rude.
Long story short, the world now has another feminist to fight the cause!
I've talked at length, both on here and on Twitter, about the way people, in particular women, without children are treated. I'm sad to say that this difference has become all the more noticeable now she has been born. My mum made me feel like I had joined some sort of secret society, although she does come out with some odd comments anyway. I notice the way that both her and her sister speak about my child-free aunt, there is such pity in their tones and a sense of looking down. Both women are kind and normally thoughtful, but there is something about discussions involving children that can seem to turn rational thoughtful women in to patronising creatures. I've had comments about how I must understand pain, love and fear now that I have a daughter. Having experience some extremely frightening and low moments in my life I find that distasteful, of course I love my daughter, of course I fear bad things could happen in the world but I was capable of feeling and empathising before she was born.
There is much support within elements of the child-free community and anyone who has read this blog or others that are similar will be aware of child-free bingo. (Essentially people making inane comments relating to your child-free state and the likelihood of you having children). My husband joked that now I was a mother I would end up making such comments, I really can't see that happening! Having experienced the frustration I wouldn't pay it forward. Some such gems that I have experienced, in no particular order:
- 'when will you make me a grandmother/great-grandmother?'
- 'you'll understand one day when (not if note) you have children'
- pain/love/fear/anger (delete as applicable) is more real when you are a parent
- 'why do you need to leave (on-time, ie. not to cover for a colleague who suddenly wants to change their shift), you have nothing to go home for'
- children make everything better/more fun, hmmm
Some of those comments have come at really inappropriate times, for example the first comment came very publicly from one of my husband's relatives at a family party, not long after I had had a miscarriage. Thankfully I was actually already pregnant again, I think if I had not have been that that would have crushed my very publicly. I don't tend to walk up to people and ask them 'so how often are you having unprotected sex', because it would be rude.
Long story short, the world now has another feminist to fight the cause!
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